Many people who come to meditate want to resolve some form of stress from human relationships. People have varying degrees of dissatisfaction with their family, spouse, work or social life. Upon reflection, people agreed that the cause of the stress in their relationships come from their “minds.”
How does my mind affect the relationship with people?
The way our mind thinks has been programmed by a variety of factors, but the main essential reference point for our thinking comes from lessons learned from our “life lived.” We are not even conscious of the fact that this is how we frame our decisions, thoughts and opinions.
1. Our mind that I am right
“It’s never me, right?” It’s always the other people that have the problem that’s upsetting me. But, what happens when we take time to really reflect upon our thinking about how we are viewing the other person, before addressing the problem itself.
Our mind says “I am right.” Well, yes, but are we? Even if we have some doubt about it, we will stubbornly insist upon it. Of course, once it’s said, it’s hard to back down! However, the biggest and greatest minds can realize and acknowledge fault. No-one has ever resented a genuine apology, and many arguments can be solved with a “sorry, you were right.” However, beware the “pretending” mind. Words should be spoken with a sincere heart, because others can see through your pretense! I am sure you have received a grudging apology before, and it is hardly felt as acceptable. Resolution is rarely achieved with an insincere heart.
2. Expectation and Lack of Appreciation
Relationships can also feel like a burden when we expect too much from the person, or the person expects too much from us; especially in close relationships. If we, or they, don’t get what they wanted, it’s disappointing, and resentment builds. The best way out of expectation is “gratitude.” Lack of appreciation for what has already been received can fuel expectation. Being grateful, and satisfied, for what life has given you up to now, and watch it dispel “needs” and “wants.”
3. Judgement and Assumption
We should all work in law, because we are the best “Judges.” Rarely do we give people the opportunity to show us who they are. We may have known them a long time, so we look at their past behaviors and form “our” opinion of who we think they are. Or, on meeting someone new, our eyes scan their appearance, and then we hear a few sentences, all the while we have been shaping our opinions about them. How often have we assumed we don’t like someone, only to find out when we really got to know them how very likable they are! Sometimes, if we have a stubborn mind, we never learn about the real person. Our own frame of mind is too fixed with our own conceptions to see people clearly.
4. Ignorance and disrespect
“I’m better than you.” Or,” I think my opinion is more worthy than yours.” Maybe the other person in a relationship doesn’t have a strong personality like you, or didn’t receive an education like yours. However, disregarding or ignoring another person’s ideas makes that person feel inferior. It can be perceived as a lack of respect, or not valuing the other person. Respect and consideration are vital, and best shared on a mutual basis to keep harmony in a relationship.
5. Indifference and Self-centered mind
Self-centered minds (which we all have) can appear to another as indifference. There is a saying “indifference is more offensive than hatred.” It is important to realize that we, as human beings, all have a deep down desire to have our existence acknowledged. Even young children, when good behavior goes unnoticed will adopt bad behavior instead to gain attention. Even negative attention is better than no attention at all! Take a minute or two to listen with full attention. It will work wonders with any relationship. Don’t we all like people who express an interest in us? We usually always remember that person favorably.
6. Rejection and Fear
Making new friends is hard for most people. Unfortunately, we have all experienced some form of rejection in our life, and it stays in our minds and rears its ugly head every time we put ourselves forward to make a new friend. Fear of rejection puts strain and tension on your ability to act in a relaxed and friendly manner, and this projected awkwardness makes the other person feel uncomfortable too! Just be aware that we all have the same fear, and by reflecting on the points in this article, we can go a long way to making, not only new relationships, but all relationships, more tranquil. Try to live your life remembering we are all one, and the understanding you project to others will come back to you in greater measure.
